Marge: Who wants pork chops?
Homer: Sorry Marge, I'm afraid this gets my lowest rating ever. Seven
       thumbs up.
Marge: You always liked my pork chops.
Homer: Marge, I'm sorry, but your cooking's only got two moves: Shake and Bake.
Marge: You like Shake n' Bake. You used to put it in your coffee.
Homer: People change, Marge. My palate has grown more sophisticated.
Marge: Oh yeah, what's a palate?
Homer: Oh ... it's a ... special time in a boy's life when ... got to go!

> The Simpsons -- 'Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner'

"Boot to SAN, not a good plan."
       -- Dan Vaitkus

Sherlock Holmes: I used to think I was an idiot.
Mycroft Holmes: Both of us thought you were an idiot, Sherlock. We had
       nothing else to go on... 'til we met other children.

> Sherlock -- 'The Empty Hearse'

Winter's a great time to stay in and snuggle but put me in summer and I'll
be a...happy showman!
       -- Olaf

> Frozen

Bart: If fairy tales have taught us anything, first wives are the best
       and second wives are terrible.
Homer: Just the opposite of real life.

> The Simpsons -- 'The Ned-Liest Catch'

Calculon: Welcome, swingers. Pull up a groove and get fabulous.
Monique: Nude rocks bands, big piles of what I assume is talcum powder.
       It's quite a birthday party, Calculon.

> Futurama -- 'Bender Should Not Be Allowed on Television'

Bender: Hey barkeep; I'll have a fuzzy navel and she'll have the girliest
       drink in the place.
Bartender: Two fuzzy navels coming right up.

> Futurama -- 'Bendless Love'

"There are two things you don't do: One, you don't open an e-mail from
Phil Simms in front of your kids, and, two, you don't jinx a man going for
a perfect week."
       -- Jim Nantz

> How I Met Your Mother -- 'Perfect Week'

The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to send back
soup at a deli!
       -- George

> Seinfeld -- 'The Marine Biologist'

I have a joke about UDP but I'm not sure you'd get it.

A UDP packet bar in walks to

Moe: Hey, Homer, you ever think about racing that bird?
Homer: You can race pigeons?
Moe: Hey, if it moves, you can bet on it.
Bart: What about the Detroit Lions?

> The Simpsons -- 'How Munched is That Birdie in the Window?'

"I am willing to concede that the world does not revolve around me provided
you are willing to acknowledge that it would be more efficient if it did."
       -- Scott Bucholtz

"That's not music. Real music's about deals with the devil, far off
lands, and the location of smoke in relation to water."
       -- Otto

> The Simpsons -- 'The Mook, the Chef, the Wife and Her Homer'

Bart: Dad, I want a baby brother.
Homer: Son, I love you kids. But I'm only going to the hospital one more
       time in my life, and I ain't coming out.
Bart: Lisa got a sister. Why can't you have another boy?
Homer: Girls are easy. Girls love Daddy. Girls make birthday cards with
       glitter on them. Girls can marry a hockey player and get me seats
       to hockey games. Girls don't steal my knives... and I don't have
       to tell girls how their bodies work, 'cause I don't know.
Bart: You never told me how my body works.
Homer: Point and shoot.

> The Simpsons -- 'Oh Brother, Where Bart Thou?'

"I won't have any aggressive condiment passing in this house."
       -- Marge

> The Simpsons -- 'Lisa on Ice'

"Emotions are dumb and should be hated."
       -- Bender

> Futurama -- 'Bend Her'

Fry: "Look how ridiculous they look."
Bender: "Please, he's no different from the rest of you organisms.
       Shooting DNA at each other to make babies. I find it offensive!"

> Futurama -- 'Why Must I Be A Crustacean in Love?'

Fry: "I've never seen a supernova blow up, but if it's anything like my
       old Chevy Nova, it'll light up the night sky."
Bender: "Yeah! Anyone who misses this will regret it the rest of his
       life. Hey, Fry could you go make some popcorn?"
Fry: "OK."

> Futurama -- 'Roswell That Ends Well'

"Poor New Mexico! So far from heaven, so close to Texas."
       -- Gov. Manual Armijo, 1841

"New Mexico could be bigger than Texas if she chose to spread herself thin
and flat as her neighbor does."
       -- Oliver La Farge

"There just isn't enough regular expression based humor out there."
       -- Robert E.

"Double-elimination is like the IRS tax code; I know it's out there, I
just don't understand it."
       -- Eric Casilias

> Said on the 'Mike and Mike' show on ESPN Radio on 3/23/2009

"I don't know much about Angola, but I know one thing, they're in a lot of
       -- Charles Barkley, Dream Team

> Said at a press conference before the USA played Angola in the 1st round
> of the 1992 Olympics.

Prince Charming: You! You can't lie! So tell me puppet... where...
       is... Shrek?
Pinocchio: Uh. Hmm, well, uh, I don't know where he's not.
Prince Charming: You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is?
Pinocchio: It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly
       not say that it is or isn't almost partially incorrect.
Prince Charming: So you do know where he is!
Pinocchio: On the contrary. I'm possibly more or less not definitely
       rejecting the idea that in no way with any amount of uncertainty
       that I undeniably...
Prince Charming: Stop it!
Pinocchio: or do not know where he shouldn't probably be, if that
       indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't at where I knew
       he was. That'd mean I'd really have to know where he wasn't.

> Shrek the Third

"Everyone is stupid except me."
       -- Homer Simpson

> The Simpsons -- 'Homer the Heretic'

"The X server has to be the biggest program I've ever seen that doesn't do
anything for you."
       -- Ken Thompson

"Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions."
       -- Grandpa

> The Simpsons -- 'Two Bad Neighbors'

"Learning is fun."
       -- Bender

> Said after Fry and Leela give their wallets and cameras to a mugger whom
> they thought was an actor at the "Past-O-Rama" amusement park.

> Futurama -- 'Lesser of Two Evils'

"My life, and by extension everyone else's, is meaningless."
       -- Bender

> Futurama -- 'Time Keeps on Slipping'

"I didn't care about algebra anyways. Only time I use numbers and letters
together is for bras, bingo, and steak sauce."
       -- Donnie Baker

> The Bob and Tom Morning Show -- 1/2007

"Eventually, I realized that if you're going to be a serious rabbi, you
have to know more than Milwaukee and Chicago," he said. "A serious Jew
has to confront New York City at some point."
       -- Rabbi Marc Gellman

> "Open" by John Feinstein

"Homer has many, many horrible problems."
       -- "doctor" (actually veterinarian)

> The Simpsons -- 'So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show'

Bart:       Hey, Mr. Burns! Can I go with you to get the treasure? I won't
       eat much and I don't know the difference between right and wrong.
Mr. Burns:       Oh, you're a good boy, but the child labor people have
       been watching me like a hawk.

> The Simpsons -- 'Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The
>                                   Curse of the Flying Hellfish"'

He's going to kill Rod and Todd too. That's horrible! principle.
       -- Bart (speaking of Ned Flanders)

> The Simpsons -- 'Bart of Darkness'

Lisa:       And I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll bring home a
       brand new protractor.
Homer:       Too bad we don't live on a farm.

> The Simpsons -- 'Dead Putting Society'

"Now that's hero's work... Fixing machines that kill people you don't
agree with."
       -- Mitch Miller

> That '70s Show -- 'Substitute'

Cobalt-60: the gift that keeps on giving.

There are three men on a train; an economist, a logician, and a weapons
scientist. They have just crossed the border into Scotland and they see a
brown cow standing in a field from the window of the train (and the cow is
standing parallel to the train).

The economist says, "Look, the cows in Scotland are brown."

The logician replies, "No. There are cows in Scotland of which at least
one is brown."

Then the weapons scientist says, "No. There is at least one cow in
Scotland, of which one side appears to be brown."

"That works more gooder."
       -- Connie

> 4/13/2005

"If you look very closely into the LED of an Intellimouse Explorer, you
can see the fires of hell that await you for buying a Microsoft product"

> A random e-mail signature.

Our data are managed.

> Random quote heard during an audit, 12/15/2004

"If I were going to still be here, I would kill it."
       -- Jeni

"This person has super-human hearing...which is not really that
       -- LANL course training instructor

> Hearing Conservation, 11/18/2004

China's communist rulers are not particularly fond of elections - the
results are just so unpredictable.

In their opinion, international relations would be much simpler if we did
not have to choose a new leader every few years. In China, of course, it
is much more simple.

But as the United States insists on going through this process every four
years, China, like everyone else, has to live with the result.

       -- Rupert Wingfield Hayes, Beijing correspondent

> BBC News article "How world sees Bush victory", November 3, 2004

"I tell ya' man, there's nothin' like a gas riot."
       -- Nick Tolk

> Commenting on the skyrocketting gasoline prices, 10/21/2004

"That guy is messed up."
       -- Rob Dibble, after listening to a recording of himself from 1990

> ESPN Radio on 10/19/2004

You realize just how non-perverted you are when you see what other people
are looking at.
       -- lemnwezl

Homer:       I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 50.
Marge:       Is it 37?
Homer:       D'oh! ...I mean, no.

> The Simpsons -- 'The Itchey and Scratch Movie'

Memos were generated. Committees were formed. you know it was a
big deal.
       -- LANL course training instructor

> Waste Generator Overview, 10/4/2004

"If you disagree with Senator John Kerry on almost any issue, than you
probably just caught him on the wrong day."
       -- President George W. Bush

"My father was fond of saying you need three things in life: a good
doctor, a forgiving priest, and a clever accountant."
       -- Oscar Schindler

"When it comes to beer-drinking marathons, I'm a Kenyan."
       -- Dan Patrick

> ESPN Radio on 8/31/2004

Garth:       Wayne, um what do you do if every time you see this incredible
       girl you think you're gonna' hurl?
Wayne:       I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours.
       If you spew and she bolts, it was never meant to be.

> "Wayne's World"

Description:       what happened to command-line ticket?
Category:       admin
Sub-Category:       resource
Priority:       5 - Least Urgent

What happened to the command-line interface to ticket? For those of us on
ungodly-slow dial-up (and with no other options available) it was a nifty
way to complain about broken stuff. Now it's gone. I guess I'm nostalgic
and sad of a day when bandwidth was precious. In either case, I'd like to
know what happened to it and why. In case you're wondering, I couldn't
find it on pi, eldorado, etc. :(

> A ticket I filed with the TCC on 8/23/2004

Me:       Actually Jeni, I wasn't trying to be funny -- just realistic.
Jeni:       In that case, stop being realistic and just lie the way I tell you
       to. :)

> Conversation over project management on 7/16/2004

[Homer sits scrunched in a sub-mini-compact vehicle from "Crazy Vlaclav's
Place of Automobiles"]
Crazy Vlaclav:       She'll go 300 hectares on a single tank of kerosene.
Homer [reading cryptic symbols in gear display]: What country is this car
Crazy Vlaclav:       It no longer exists but take her for a test drive and
       you'll agree: [speaks Slavic language then push-starts car]. Put
       it in "H"!

> The Simpsons -- 'Mr. Plow'

Peter Griffin:       Ah, man. There's a toll booth. Hey, anybody got a
Bill Gates:       What's a quarter?

> Family Guy -- 'Screwed the Pooch'

Homer:       "All right brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but
       let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer."
Homer's brain:       "It's a deal."

> The Simpsons -- 'The Front'

Bart:       "Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing
       absolutely nothing?"
Grandpa:       "I figured 'cause the Democrats were in power again."

> The Simpsons -- 'The Front'

"I haven't been this confused since the end of 'No Way Out'." [flashback
to Chris and Brian leaving theater] "How does Kevin Costner keep getting
       -- Chris Griffin

> Family Guy -- 'To Love and Die in Dixie'

Chris:       "Where do you think you go when you die?"
Sam:       "I learned in church that if you're good, you go to heaven. But
       if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're
       still living and they pray for death, but death won't come."
Chris:       "UPN?"

> Family Guy -- 'To Love and Die in Dixie'

Brian:       "Do you even listen to yourself when you talk?"
Peter:       "I drift in and out."

> Family Guy -- 'E. Peterbus Unum'

"Hey Lois, look. The two symbols of the Republican party. An elephant
and a big, fat white guy who's threatened by change."
       -- Peter Griffin

> Family Guy -- 'Chitty Chitty Death Bang'

Ray Kinsella:       "Don't we need a catcher?"
Joe Jackson:       "Not if you get it near the plate we don't."

> 'Field of Dreams'

"Don't I deserve love...and jewelry."
       -- Deb

> 'Addams Family Values'

Amanda: "I'll be the victim."
Wednesday: "All your life."

> 'Addams Family Values'

The four rules of success are early to sleep, early to rise, work like
hell, and advertise.
       -- Donald Trump

When you're uh-unemployed, weekends are meaningless.
       -- Stewart McCormick (Kenny's dad)

> South Park -- Ep. 210 'Chickenpox'

"[I'm] Robin Hood. I take from the rich and give to the middle class;
well, the upper-middle class."

> "Other People's Money"

Dogs have owners; cats have staff.

"I remember my body. Flabby, pasty-skin, and riddled with phlebitis. A
good republican body."
       -- Richard Nixon's Head

> Futurama -- 'A Head in the Polls'

"I hope I didn't brain my damage."
       -- Homer

> The Simpsons -- 'El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer'

"Noah's Ark is a problem. We'll have to call it 'early quantum-state
phenomena'. Only way to fit 5000 species of mammal on the same boat."
       -- River

> Firefly -- 'Jayenstown'

"Ooh, I'm gonna' go to the special hell."
       -- Captain Reynolds

> Firefly -- 'Our Mrs. Reynolds'

Jayne [holding large gun]: "Six men came to kill me one time, and the
       best of them carried this. It's a Kellhand, full-bore, auto-glock.
       Customized trigger. Double-cartridge thorough gauge." [hands gun
       out to Captain Reynolds] "This is my very favorite gun."
Captain Reynolds [curses in Chinese]: "Are you offering me a trade?"
Jayne: "A trade? Hell, it's a theft. This is the best damn gun made by
       man. It has extreme sentimental value. It's miles more worth
       than what you got."
Captain Reynolds: "What I got? She has a name."
Jayne: "So does this. I call it Vira."

> Firefly -- 'Our Mrs. Reynolds'

"You really need to just go limp on this whole wedding thing. The
sooner you realize you can do no good, the happier you will be."
       -- Danny Quist 1/21/2004

Choir Director: "You must be Eric Cartman. I've heard about you. You
       don't respect nature or other cultures."
Cartman: "Yeah, pretty much."

> South Park -- Ep. 301 'Rainforest Shmainforest'

Me: "You know Ted, I hate project management but at the same time I need
       the money."
Ted: "I feel the same way. It's like having surgery for cancer."

> 1/7/2004

"Men. God love 'em. They're just children with paychecks."
       -- Peg Bundy

> Married... With Children -- 'Peggy Sue Got Work'

You can make a man an engineer, but you still can't make him read the

politician (n): a person who publicly displays his disgust at even the
insinuation that he/she would have been involved in something which
he/she was actually involved in.

"Call Mr. Plow. That's my name. That name again is Mr. Plow."
       -- Homer

> The Simpsons -- 'Mr. Plow'

"The Giants are playing the Redskins this weekend and, you know, someone
HAS to win that game."
       -- Tony Roberts 12/4/2003

Lieutenant Dan:       Two standing orders in this platoon. One, take good care
       of your feet. Two, try not to do anything stupid like getting
       yourself killed.
Forrest Gump:       I sure hope I don't let him down.

> "Forrest Gump"

"Look, just give me some inner peace or I'll mop the floor with you!"
       -- Homer

> The Simpsons -- 'El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer'

Ooh, look at that adorable spice rack. Eight spices? Oh, some must be
doubles. Or-a-ga-no, what the hell?
       -- Marge

> The Simpsons -- 'El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer'

Homer:       Hey, who cut something out of my paper?
Lisa:       Not me.
Bart:       Not me, I'm more of a mail tamperer.

> The Simpsons -- 'El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer'

"That's what I like about Juarez, it's not all yuppy and high-class like
       -- Nick Tolk 11/10/2003

"Come on boys, do you need me to draw you a diagram? That was textbook.
Page 1, 'Welcome to Hockey'. Page 2, THAT PLAY!"
       -- Scott Bucholtz

> Me yelling at the Scorpions after they unsuccessfully defended a very
> simple offensive play. Everybody in the audience seemed quite amused.

"Fool is the man who looks for plot in a Keanu Reeves film."
       -- Scott Bucholtz

The two rules of mechanical engineering:
       1) If it moves and it shouldn't, put duct tape on it
       2) If it doesn't move and it should, put WD-40 on it.

Umpire:       O.K. Let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until
       you chug a beer, any man scoring has to chug a beer, you have to
       chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. Oh, and the
       fourth inning is the beer inning.
Police Chief Wiggum:       Hey, we know how to play softball.

> The Simpsons -- 'Homer At the Bat'

"Oh yeah, those screws don't work at home either."
       -- Eamil

> Said to Nick and me after spending two days trying to get the 3-D models
> of screws in an assembly schematic to appear correctly on Eamil's
> drafting program. We were going to kill him!

"Marge, beer me."
       -- Homer Simpson

> The Simpsons -- 'Dead Putting Society'

Bart (with fingers crossed):       "Crazy scheme, crazy scheme, crazy scheme..."
Homer:       "Get me tools and beer."
Bart:       "Yes!"

> The Simpsons -- 'Blame it on Lisa'

Me: They thought they could wire the house up in that crazy manner.
Steve:       And they would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for
       us meddling kids!

> Conversation on 8/30/2003 while re-wiring the electric in the circuit
> box on my house.

"Ted's my name. Sleep's my game."
       -- Ted Rupp 8/26/2003

Padma:       "Is it O.K. if I leave about 10 minutes early today?"
Me (with a look of horror on my face):       "Why in the world are you asking
Padma:       "Because my flight is delayed and I'll miss my connecting flight
       if I don't take the 4:00 flight that they will hold for me."
Me (with the same look of horror on my face):       "No, WHY in the world are
       you asking me? I'm not your boss."
Me (with a smile):       "Sure, that's fine. Go ahead."

> A conversation between me and the intern on 8/28/2003

"Mercy is for the weak, Todd!"
       -- Ned Flanders

> The Simpsons -- 'Dead Putting Society'

"Bart, you're no longer in Sunday school -- don't swear."
       -- Marge Simpson

> The Simpsons -- 'Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment'

"I like my sugar with coffee and cream."
       -- Beastie Boys "Intergalactic"

> From their 'Hello Nasty' CD

I'm telling you that the kernel is stable not because it's a kernel, but
because I refuse to listen to arguments like this.
       -- Linus Torvalds

"The whole idea of the patent process is to beat the life out of you."
       -- Russell Gehr 7/14/2003

"We're as low and dispicable as Rob Reiner."
       -- Mrs. Tweek

> South Park, Ep. 217 "Gnomes"

friend: Why are you so stressed out all the time?
Me: It's because I'm a Type-A personality.
friend: What am I?
Me: They don't have a letter for what you are.

More people have been killed by Ted Kennedy's car then by my gun.

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea."
       -- Robert A. Heinlein

Stan: Asian culture has plagued our fragile earth for many years -- we
must end it.
Mr. Garrison: Excellent. A-
Stan: Cool.

> South Park Ep. 103 "Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride"

Doctor: "Wow. I've never seen someone swallow that much barium without
throwing up."
Assistant: "You said he had to drink a lot but I can't believe that!"
Me (groggy): "Are we done yet?"
Doctor: "Sure. I just wanted to see what your threshold was."

> At the end of my Upper-GI on 3/24/2003

They told me that it couldn't be done...
They said that it would only end it tears...
They questioned, "What the hell for?"

I have been to the edge!
I have grepped 'grep' and live to tell about it!!!

       -- Scott Bucholtz

"You see, there are the two sides to the human brain. You've got the
left, the right, the front, and the back."
-- John Madden

> Super Bowl XXXVII Pre-Game Show (1/26/2003)

The two rules of photography are to be there and F4.
       -- Elliott Bucholtz

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the War Room!

> "Dr. Strangelove"

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it
holds the universe together.
       -- Steve Ball

Oh behalf of the war on terror, the Canadian military has graciously
offered for service two battleships, and a fully loaded aircraft carrier.
When converted into American dollars, this works out roughly to three
Mounties and a pack of cigarettes.

Yeah, we're going to a fight and we hope a hockey game breaks out.
       -- Scott Bucholtz

Canada is the United States' largest national park.

Caroline: When I TA'd I called my students 'my kids'.
Me: I never did that.
Caroline: Well, in chemistry lab, we bond more.

       [Homer searches under the couch for a peanut]
       Homer: Hmm...ow, pointy!
              Eww, slimy.
              Oh, moving!
              Ah-ha! [looks, then says remorsefully] Oh, twenty
              dollars...I wanted a peanut!
Homer's brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
       Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
       Homer: Woo-hoo!

> The Simpsons

What's fundamentally wrong is that nobody ever had any taste when they did
it. Microsoft has been very much into making the user interface look good,
but internally it's just a complete mess. And even people who program for
Microsoft and who have had years of experience, just don't know how it
works internally. Worse, nobody dares change it. Nobody dares to fix bugs
because it's such a mess that fixing one bug might just break a hundred
programs that depend on that bug. And Microsoft isn't interested in anyone
fixing bugs?they're interested in making money. They don't have anybody who
takes pride in Windows 95 as an operating system.

People inside Microsoft know it's a bad operating system and they still
continue obviously working on it because they want to get the next version
out because they want to have all these new features to sell more copies of
the system.

The problem with that is that over time, when you have this kind of
approach, and because nobody understands it, because nobody REALLY fixes
bugs (other than when they're really obvious), the end result is really
messy. You can't trust it because under certain circumstances it just
spontaneously reboots or just halts in the middle of something that
shouldn't be strange. Normally it works fine and then once in a blue moon
for some completely unknown reason, it's dead, and nobody knows why. Not
Microsoft, not the experienced user and certainly not the completely
clueless user who probably sits there shivering thinking "What did I do
wrong?" when they didn't do anything wrong at all.

That's what's really irritating to me."

       -- Linus Torvalds

> from an interview with BOOT Magazine, Sept 1998

Electra King:       "I could have given you the world."
James Bond:       "The world is not enough."
King:              "Foolish sentiment."
Bond:              "Family motto."

> 'The World is Not Enough'

"We need a backer."
"What's a 'backer'?"
"Someone with money, who is stupid."

> "10 Things I Hate About You"

My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or
clay. It was his true medium. A master.
       -- Ralphie "A Christmas Story"

"When CFS came along, it was the greatest thing since sliced bread..."
       -- Chuck Wingate

Kermit:       Gee, there must be someone stupid enough to go out there and
face that audience.
[Gonzo appears]
Gonzo:       Ha ha ha ha ha! I'll do it, Kermit. I've got the ultimate act.
But I'm going to need a typewriter for it.
Kermit:       Um, well, well Gonzo, we don't have a typewriter.
Gonzo:       Then I'll use a cow.
Kermit:       Oh, oh, what is this act of yours?
Gonzo:       I can sum it up in one word.
Kermit:       Huh?
Gonzo:       Indescribable!

> "The Muppet Show"

"Attention everyone. I have found a mens, black wallet... O.K., now that
I have your attention, I would like to ask you all to take a seat as
quickly as possible. Remember, all of the seats leave at the same time,
they all arrive at the same time, and they are all that ugly brown color.
The sooner you are seated, the sooner we can depart. So, in other words,
as soon as your toosh is in a coosh we can push."
       -- Southwest Airlines flight attendant on 9/10/2002

"He was high on intellectualism. I've never been there but the brochure
looks nice."
       -- Sheryl Crow

"Would you classify that as a launch problem or a design problem?"

> "Real Genius"

"Always, never forget to check your references."

> "Real Genius"

"[You're] a victim of authority."
       -- Green Day, "Warnings"

"Paul, did you build an atomic bomb?"
"Only a little one."

> "The Manhattan Project"

Mechanical engineers build bombs. Civil engineers build targets.

The ultimate Jewish dilemma: free ham.

Burns: Remember, your job and the future of your family hinges on
your successful completion of Nuclear Physics 101.
Oh, and one more thing: [ominously] you must find the jade
monkey before the next full moon.
Smithers: Actually sir, we found the jade monkey; it was in your glove
Burns: And the road maps? And ice scraper?
Smithers: They were in there too, sir.
Burns: Ex-cellent! It's all falling into place.

> The Simpsons -- 'Homer Goes to College'

"Management requires ethics training to cut down on competition."
       -- Ted Rupp

"Like many other much-loved humans, they believed that they owned their
dogs' instead of realizing that their dogs owned them."
       -- D. Smith

"Reading my mind is a little like watching snow on television."
       -- Nick Tolk 6/25/2002

"Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"

> "Airplane!"

"Lisa, you and your stories. Bart is a vampire. Beer kills brain cells.
Now lets go back to that building thingie where are beds and TV is."
       -- Homer Simpson

> The Simpsons

"Public releases of Mozilla AND Slackware in the same month, I'm so happy
I've soiled myself."
       -- timothy (on /. on Wednesday June 19, 2002 @ 07:41AM)

"You don't hear 'no' a lot, do you?"
"Well, I hear it all the time but it's more like, 'no, no, please, no'."

> "Analyze This"

"I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates who said, 'I drank

> "Real Genius"

"...and we're using his method because it's equally irrelevant to the data
but easier to implement."
       -- Oliver Gibbon 6/17/2002

Lisa: Remember Dad, the handle of the big dipper points to the north star.
Homer: That's nice Lisa. But we're not in astronomy class, we're in the

> The Simpsons -- 'Call of the Simpsons'

"The true New Yorkers understand that people living anywhere else must be,
in some sense, kidding."

> "Keeping the Faith"

Chuck:       The old lab directors were good guys. They were moral and they
were good scientists.
Me:       You mean they made great weapons.
Chuck:       Yeah, they could kill lots of people.

> Part of a dinner conversation on 6/7/2002

The way to make a small fortune in the stock market is to start with a big
       -- Ted Rupp

"Beer. Now there's a temporary solution."
       -- Homer Simpson

> The Simpsons -- 'Homer's Odyssey'

"I was the guy who screwed up scientific computing by putting VAX out
       -- Gordon Bell 5/2002

"Well you can't ride it and you can't plug it in so... what good is it?"
       -- Matt (

> Said to Jason after he spent a HUGE amount of money on a painting.

Smithers: Attention, everyone. Let's have an awed hush please for Mr. Burns.
[Everyone gasps]
Burns: Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters
before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny
new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya.
[Smithers whispers to him]
Hmm? What? Oh, and by that I mean, of course, it's time for
the "Worker of the Week Award". I can't believe we've
overlooked this week's winner for so very, very long. We
simply could not function without his tireless efforts. So, a
round of applause for...this inanimate carbon rod!
[Everyone cheers]
Homer: [growls] Ooh...inanimate, huh? I'll show him inanimate!
[stands perfectly still while his shadow elongates]

> The Simpsons -- 'Deep Space Homer'

"The space shuttle crew consists of a mathematician, a different kind of
mathematician, and a statistician."

> The Simpsons -- 'Deep Space Homer'

"When you know Slackware you know Linux. When you know Red Hat, all you
know is Red Hat."
       -- William N. Zanatta (

"Are you coming in, Homer?"
"No. No. I want to be alone with my thought."

> The Simpsons -- 'There's No Disgrace Like Home'

"Haven't you ever been curious about men?"
"Curious about men? Well, I always wondered why my father watched

> "Chasing Amy"

"What is she now, 17?"
"Looks like we caught her just in time. We almost lost her to college.
It's so much harder after they've had all that liberal arts brain-washing
but we've saved a few."

> "But I'm a Cheerleader"

Don't suspect a friend: report him.

> "Brazil"

"My complication had a little complication."

> "Brazil"

"Give my regards to Allison and the twins."
"Triplets? God; how time flies."

> "Brazil"

Suspicion breeds confidence.

> "Brazil"

"Oh, Meltdown. It's one of those annoying buzz words. We prefer to call
it an 'unrequested fission surplus'."
       -- C. Montgomery Burns

> The Simpsons -- 'Homer Defined'

I am convinced that there is nothing in a Twinkie that should ever be
introduced into the human body.
       -- Nick Tolk

The United States is the only nation in the world with an OSHA compliant
thermonuclear weapon.

Danny:       "I've got that achey stomach feeling like when you get punched in
       the stomach...only without the initial punch."
Meghan:       "Did you exercise by accident?"

"Well, it didn't cost me anything and it was almost worth it."
       -- Nick Tolk

"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In
practice, however, there is."
       -- Yogi Berra

"Listen, we came here to do a job. I so deeply believe in the American
       -- President Ronald Reagan

> Said to his staff when they were concerned with their image.

"You were once a theoretical mathematician. You can understand
the cause of leaving out the details. :)"
       -- Danny Quist

"This is hittin' weather."
       -- John Madden

> While announcing Super Bowl XXXVI (which was held inside a dome)

"I agree that it is complex. But the task itself is complex too.
Complexity is the price to pay for entering the world of user-defined
RNGs (random number generators)."
       -- Pedro Gimeno

> From the Lib-GMP mailing list (

"Expect it to run somewhere between slow and very slow, but it's good
for picking up things like type mismatches and unexpected sign
       -- Kevin Ryde

> From the Lib-GMP mailing list (

Creating good IA-64/Itanium code is a terrific challenge for humans and
compilers alike!

> From the Lib-GMP speed charts:


If the variable A contains the string "IBM is fun", the substring "IBM"
can be overwritten with the string "IDL" by entering:
       STRPUT, A, 'IDL', 0
       PRINT, A
IDL prints:

> From IDL's help page.

"You cannot save a sinking ship which has no bottom."
-- anonymous

> Spoken with regards to the C.S. Dept. at N.M.T.

Not Found

The requested URL was not found on this server.

Additionally, a 404 Not Found error was encountered while trying to use an
ErrorDocument to handle the request.

> A really messed up web server.

"A fire on one end and a fool on the other."
       -- Peter Sellers

> His description of a cigarette (from The Muppet Show).

"I could never be myself. There used to be a me but I had it surgically
       -- Peter Sellers

> From The Muppet Show

Marge: There are only 49 stars on that flag.
Abe (Grandpa): I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I'll recognize

> The Simpsons

"640K ought to be enough [memory] for anybody."
       -- Bill Gates, 1981

This manpage is confusing.

> From the Linux getopt(3) manpage.

"Only wimps use tape backup: _real_ men just upload their important stuff
on ftp, and let the rest of the world mirror it ;)"
       -- Linus Torvalds

... when men were men
and wrote their own device drivers ...
       --- Linus Torvalds

"Well, let's just say, 'if your VCR is still blinking 12:00, you don't
want Linux'".
       -- Bruce Perens, Debian's Fearless Leader

testing? What's that? If it compiles, it is good, if it boots up it is
       -- Linus Torvalds

The memory management on the PowerPC can be used to frighten small
       -- Linus Torvalds

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

"So what good is being twice as big? If I can't get a cheese-burger,
what's it all mean?"
       -- Woody Allen "Small Time Crooks"

An uncharitable person might say they've doubled the clock speed but
doubled the number of cycles it takes to do anything. :-)

> A quote from the Lib-GMP mailing list with regards to the crappiness of
> Intel's new P-4.

You know your boss is as big a nerd as you when you ask her for funds to
buy a picosecond pulse Laser and she ask you if you'd be better off with
two (you know, in case you blow up one).

> This isn't that funny until you realize that a decent Laser of this type
> runs around $500,000 each.

The best way to accelerate a computer running Windows is at 9.8 m/s^2.

The other day I was at my local Smith's buying groceries. While checking
out, I had the following conversation with the bagger:

him:       Would you like to try a free copy of America On-Line?
me:       No thanks.
him:       Sure?
me:       I have neither the need nor the ability to run AOL.
him:       Do you have a computer?
me:       Yes.
him:       Well of course you do. Why couldn't you?
me:       For starters, I don't use Windows.
him (leaning in and whispering):       That's O.K. To be honest, I like
       Netscape better, too.
me:       On second thought, I will take one.
me (thinking to myself): that I can microwave it and keep it
       away from idiots like you.

"We are not going to cater to Outlook users. At best we will tolerate
       -- Schlake

". . .it [is] neither possible nor necessary to educate people who never
[question] anything."
       -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"

Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some
people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
       -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"

"The SysProg office kicks ass! There's Schlake, who's into Pepsi; Jason,
who's into furries; Matt is into Jason; Alan is into stuffed
animals; and Nathan's into glibc."

> A random quote heard in the SysProg office.

"Basically, there are three points at which the computer might stop or
stall during Windows 95 Setup: before, during, or after the hardware
       -- Windows 95 Resource Kit

> From one of K.Scott's .signature files.

"Well that is the God damndest thing that I have ever seen."

> Said to me by my automobile mechanic while looking under the hood
> of my old car.

"God bless regular expressions. Therein lies the secret of the life."
       -- Daniel A. Quist

> Sent to me by Danny during an e-mail conversation.

I have decided to drop US West like the bag of dead rotting weasels that
they are.
       -- Schlake

> ...upon deciding to go Cellular

Operating System not found.

> Seen while trying to install Linux on Jeff's machine.

The Three Laws of Thermodynamics:

The First Law:       You can't get anything without working for it.
The Second Law:       The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
The Third Law:       You can only break even at absolute zero.

Kernel panic: No init found.

> Seen while trying to update the software on a machine in Speare 4a.

Let D={x | x is a dork}
Then there exists 'a' element of 'N' | scott=x_sub-a

> One of my .signature's
> If you don't understand this than you aren't a mathematician.

PANIC: segmentation violation! giving up..

> An init panic message on cobra.
> Obviously cobra was in line for a reboot (thank goodness for the
> Magic SysRq Key). :)

The current news admin is a weenie, and should be beaten with
several wet strands of angelhair pasta in pesto. In addition,
I'm testing some ticket stuff. please ignore this ticket.

> A ticket filed by Matt in order to test new software.

"Just a note to let you know that I will be out of the office on Thursday
the 26th and Friday the 27th. In my absence Mike will be in charge!!!"

> An excerpt from an e-mail from Jan, the TCC secretary.

Sep 8 00:13:21 newshost kernel: eth0: Too much work in interrupt, status
e481. Temporarily disabling functions (7b7e).

> A kernel panic message seen on newshost.

Page 3 of 2

> Seen on a users corrupted Word Document.

"The world is complex. reflects this...."
       -- Robbie Honerkamp

"Girls like the '-h' option..."
       -- Scott Bucholtz

"The cabinet (and I use the term in the loose sense...more like a piece of
!@#$) is now in place. God help us all."
       -- Jonathan Hudston

> A quote from our Maintenance Dept. about MSEC 105.

Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1998 21:07:03 -0600 (MDT)
From: Matt Richmond
Subject: Re: Hey

You had the hours fair and square all along, responding 30 seconds faster
than I... let it be forever known that you, Linuxman, are the
fastest Pine in the west :-)

Hittin' the Mountain Dew again.

> An e-mail sent to me after I took hours filling in for someone.

USER, n.:
The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
              -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top"

"Hell yeah that's continuous's continuous as all get out!"
       -- Kirk Blazek

> Said while doing Math 471 homework on 10/17/99.

Something to think about while working your crappy job:
       There is some guy in this world who invented the 'spork' and now
       he's worth millions.
              -- Scott Bucholtz

"You know you're in a theoretical mathematics class when, try as you
might, you cannot think of a single application (practical or not) for
what you just learned."
       -- Scott Bucholtz

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

"Why does Windows corrupt its registry?"

> A question asked to my by a user.

Q: What kind of a husband buys his wife a Mac?
A: The kind that buys his girlfriend a PC.
       -- Scott Bucholtz

God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.

Printer: speare5@printhost 'HP-4si [duplex]'
Queue: 1 printable job
Server: pid 32246 active
Unspooler: pid 32247 active
Status: IF filter msg -
at^[%0BPU4036,6260PM0PEE^M^_^_F^BF^M^_^_E^B;PM2FP^[%0" matched

> The queue on speare5 on 11/1/99 at ~2:45pm.

NOTE: Trying to upgrade to ELF Slackware from a.out Slackware will
undoubtably cause you all kinds of problems. Don't do it.
       -- Patrick Volkerding

> From Slackware's "UPGRADE.TXT" file

Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
       -- Ed Howe

A day without sunshine is like night.

"Yeah, I need my head more than one way."
       -- Nathan Simons

You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting
       -- Miss Piggy

> Her comments on eating Chinese Food

better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus town

cat /etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
santa claus town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | egrep 'bad|good'
for (goodness sake) {
be good

I would like to thank my parents for raising me to be a
mathematician; and my friends for accepting me in that condition.

Windows 95: n. 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit
patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit
microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of

"Those Calc. classes screw up your life."
       -- Hassan Ramay

"trn and rn are still used quite a bit, especially by
people who knew about the Internet while we were playing
Nintendo and getting beaten up in schoolyards."
       -- Matt Richmond (segfault/lemnwezl)

"I'm the only-est one!"
       -- Tigger

Beware the SCSI connector, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
       -- segfault/lemnwezl

"I'm pretty much down."
       -- Hena Ramay

Demons infested the machine and ate all the 0's and 1's inside the
memory chips.
       -- Schlake

> His explanation for why the SUB printer wasn't working one day.

'Ooohh.. "FreeBSD is faster over loopback, when compared to Linux
over the wire". Film at 11.'
       -- Linus Torvalds

Formatting 11,53.87M

> Seen while beginning a Windows 98 install.

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain,
and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
       -- Albert Einstein

"Divergent series are the work of the devil."
       -- Dr. Arterburn

"Tapioca pudding is soo not object oriented."
       -- Gil

We all know Linux is does infinite loops in 5 seconds.
       -- Linus Torvalds

Microsoft has detected that your mouse has moved.
You must reboot the system for the changes to take effect.

There's a "test2" kernel out there now, integrating most of the -ac
patches, and some code that wasn't in -ac. Normally, when you integrate
almost 5MB of patches, bad things happen. This time, a miracle
occurred. As I uploaded the resultant kernel, a specter of the holy
penguin appeared before me, and said "It is Good. It is Bugfree". As if
wanting to re-assure me that yes, it really =was= the holy penguin, it
finally added "Do you have any Herring?" before fading out in a puff of
holy penguin-smoke. Only a faint whiff of rancid fish remains as I type
in these words.. In short, not only are most of Alan's patches
integrated, I have it on higher authority that the result is perfect. So
if it doesn't compile for you, you must be doing something wrong.
       -- Linus Torvalds

> Linus' comments on 6/24/00 on kernel 2.4.0-test2

The feature freeze should be turning into a code freeze in another two
months or so, and a release by the end of the year. And as everybody
knows, our targets never slip.
       -- Linus Torvalds

> An excerpt from a 2.3 kernel mailing list. If you don't know how funny
> this is, you're probably still running a 2.0 kernel!

My lifelong ambition is to find the happy medium between the hot and the
cold in the shower.

My goal is to be the kind of person that my dog thinks I am.

Usenet (noun): A global collection of flaming opinions and senseless
babble, was designed as a way to eat up precious spool space on a system's
hard drive. It also is a way for people to distribute pornography.

If a man is alone in the woods and he says something and a woman does not
hear him, is he still wrong?

To err is human; to mooo, bovine.

To err is human; to really screw up you need a computer!

Black Holes are where God divided by zero.

Objects traveling faster than the speed of light are closer than they

Isotherms and Isobars are even more important than their names make them

%1 caused an invalid page fault in module %2 at %3!.04x!:%4!.08x!.


> Another Microsoft error.

"Let's take a look at the balls on these metrics."
       -- Dr. Bill Stone (Math 531)

There are three types of mathematicians: those who can count and those
who can't.

Dr. Sharples:       "I don't believe in contrived problems. If there is an easy
       way to do something, do it. My motto is, why walk to Albuquerque
       when you can drive."
Me:       "Doesn't your car always die and leave you stranded when you go to
Dr. Sharples:       "Shut up."

"R^n is a great's full of vectors."
       -- Dr. Bill Stone (9/12/00)

A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

If you do not feed your graduate student, it will die.

"Ah, the function is down."
       -- Dr. Hossain

> His explanation for why a computer was hung.

"No matter where you start, there you are."
       -- Dr. Stone (Fractals and Chaos)

"'Graph Theory' is my middle name."
       -- Dr. Barefoot (9/22/00)

"Do you ever get the feeling that you're being taught Probability by a
Group Theorist?"
       -- Matt Richmond (

> Whispered to me in the middle of a Cryptography lecture.

Benjamin Franklin was knocked unconscious while attempting to electrocute
a turkey.

> Trivial Pursuit, Genus IV. Science and Nature question on Card #112.

Date: Mon, 16 Oct 2000 14:46:40 -0600 (MDT)
From: elizabeth campbell
Subject: why?

my word processor dictionary knows "Reaganomics" but not "H2O"

"That's not what I really mean to say because that's not true."
       -- Dr. Stone

Mathematics Paradox

The following statement is false.
The previous statement is true.

"Does everybody other than Scott understand this?"
       -Dr. Hossain

> Said while trying to explain a Probability concept in a non-probability
> class (i.e. Math 501).

"Now, there's a lot of work to be done to prove all that hand waving I've
done but I'm not going to do it and I'm not going to assign it so I bet
you don't care."
       -Dr. Stone

> During Fractals and Chaos on 10/26/00

"Lines are not very interesting. I cannot make them not converge."
       -Dr. Stone

> During Fractals and Chaos on 11/28/00

Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture.

"You should never trust an encryption system which can be broken by a
program in /usr/games."
       - Segfault/lemnwezl

> Matt's comment on the Caesar (or Shift) Cipher.

Every day I come home and my answering machine reminds me of my social
status -- 0.
       -- Scott Bucholtz


A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse
me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but
I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect
people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly
the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my

Thanks a lot for ordering from Copyleft. Through your order you
have contributed to the open source community.

We generally get orders out within two or three days of hitting
the submit button, but we will occasionally have to go to the
press with stuff that we run out of. Plus, every now and then we
have a tendency to goof off.

You'll receive an email with your tracking number only when your
order leaves our extensive (and incredibly efficient) shipping
department. It's at that point that we'll actually charge your card.
If there's any problems, and god knows there will be, you have
invoice number ########.

Btw, just getting this page means we got your order.


> This is the page that comes up after an order is successfully
> submitted at:

> This is an excerpt from a conversation between my brother (KeyManBubz)
> and me (NMTlinuxman) on a talker on the night of 9/20/99. We are
> discussing his broken car stereo.

KeyManBubz: so about my car
KeyManBubz: what the heck is wrong
NMTlinuxman: I haven't got everything figured out with your car yet. I
       need the exact number of your stereo
KeyManBubz: like the number after jvc-
NMTlinuxman: yupyup
NMTlinuxman: Did you try and get a can of compressed air and shake it up
       and spray it in the cd slot?
KeyManBubz: no
KeyManBubz: why would that work?
KeyManBubz: it's not even recognizing it, it may be in a different
       position than normal or something
NMTlinuxman: A lot of times there's just some dirt on the head or laser.
       Also, if the ejector pieces are dirty, they may be slipping.
KeyManBubz: if that was the case
KeyManBubz: it would still recognize it
KeyManBubz: but just not play it
NMTlinuxman: Not necessarily.
NMTlinuxman: These things aren't too technical.
NMTlinuxman: I would definately try the compressed air thing first.
KeyManBubz: i'm not gonna buy a whole can for that!!
NMTlinuxman: You punk! Split it with your roommate. He's got a computer.
       You always need a can of compressed air if you've got a computer!
NMTlinuxman: If that's no-go then you may need to take the thing apart.
KeyManBubz: i'm not gonna do that myself either
NMTlinuxman: I do it all the time with mine and it really isn't a big
KeyManBubz: no, i think i'll just take it in to somewhere
NMTlinuxman: You're a moron!
KeyManBubz: i don't want to take apart my car
NMTlinuxman: You're really stupid. Here's the deal. The compressed air
       will probably fix it. If it doesn't, then taking it apart may
       show something loose and that'll be easy to fix. Otherwise,
       taking it apart will show something broken in which you'll need to
       take it in anyways.
KeyManBubz: there aren't any screws, i looked
NMTlinuxman: There ARE screws, they're hidden because no screws looks
       better. Trust me.
KeyManBubz: i'm not as smart as you with this stuff - i'm scared to break
NMTlinuxman: Don't worry. It's already broken. :)
NMTlinuxman: No matter how you stack it up, you're only going to loose
       money if it's something easy and you take it in...that's when they
       really charge...cause they know they've got you!
KeyManBubz: i tried a paper clip
KeyManBubz: didn't help
NMTlinuxman: If you stuck a paper clip in the cd slot, then you probably
       scratched and destroyed the CD in there.


KeyManBubz: that's okay, it was 2 pac
NMTlinuxman: LOL
KeyManBubz: me too
KeyManBubz: :-)
NMTlinuxman: :)
KeyManBubz: okay, tell me how you think i should do it
NMTlinuxman: Go to Wal-Mart, say "I need a can of compressed air". After
       they show you where they are, buy the cheapest one. Take it to
       your car (make sure your car hasn't been sitting in the sun all
       day). Shake it. Direct nozzel into the CD slot. Press button.
       Release button. Turn on car. Press eject.
KeyManBubz: shut up, fool
NMTlinuxman: That was funny.
NMTlinuxman: :)
KeyManBubz: :-):-)
NMTlinuxman: ^ is that having sex?
KeyManBubz: sick kid, okay, i may try it when i get a chance - next year
NMTlinuxman: I'm like ready to fall off of my chair that part of the
       conversation was sooooo funny!!!
KeyManBubz: yup
KeyManBubz: i'm so busy with homework all the time
NMTlinuxman: I've said it before and I'll say it again, "Welcome to
KeyManBubz: yeah, yeah, ok, gotta go read english for tomorrow
KeyManBubz: thanks
NMTlinuxman: cools
NMTlinuxman: Good luck on the stereo thing. Make sure to send me the
       exact JVC numbers
NMTlinuxman: TTYS
KeyManBubz: bye